It has been a week with ups and downs. Unfortunately the downs have been rough enough to cancel out the ups.
Relationships can give us such comfort and other times they can cause such inner turmoil. And I am realizing I am not so great at friendships sometimes. I am self centered and thoughtless.
When I feel stressed or uncertain, I withdraw and I am sure I leave people who were counting on me wondering what became of me.
It is hard to face my short comings. I feel embarrassed and upset. I feel guilty for letting people down who had had expected more of me.
I want to do better. I want there to be a greater quiet in me so that I don't withdraw. I wish I could explain to those I let down. But maybe my explanation is lame. On the outside I look like I am strong but inside I am fragile and weak. On the outside I look like I want to be there for others. On the inside it is all about me. I worry so much about pleasing other people I set myself up for a big let down because I can't live up to the image I present.
I should be more grateful and more patient. I should be wiser and more sensible. I want to be the kind of friend who says all the right things and appears at the right moment. Instead I miss opportunities to comfort and support because I am intimidated by the situation or there is a conflict between helping one person and being there for another.
I don't want to offend anyone. But somehow I manage it. Somehow I have to let this go and accept that I make mistakes. Apologies are all I have. I wish they were enough. Not much more I can do except pray. Pray a lot. I'm praying right now. And I am waiting to be peaceful.
As always my paintings are available for sale. Each one is $25 a piece. If you would like to own one, please email me at lauraparkhurstillustrator@gmail.com. Thanks for coming by to see my art. Thanks for listening to my emotional
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